What not to do instead of being sober (1854)

  

Brookville American, March 3, 1854

A few commodities for this market.

When you go to Church and kneel in time of prayer, don't suppose your bonnet or posture hides from the congregation the fact that you are laughing with and talking to your simple simpering companion -- for verily such things are seen and known by many.

When you let the hair grow on your upper lip and stand before the glass and twist it round your finger, don't forget that it is a very strong indication of a fop and cox-comb, and of a very big head, with very little  brains, for very sensible folks so understand it.

When you are found chewing tobacco or smoking to the annoyance of the company or using vulgar or profane language, or frequent the doggeries, don't for a moment be so verdant as to suppose anybody suspects you of good breeding, intelligence or decency, for verily that would be an egregious blunder.

When some great question, involving morals and the cause of suffering humanity, is before the people, don't get astride the fence, and shake hands both ways, as the Politicians do, don't try to be popular at the expense of truth and righteousness, get down on one side or t'other, for verily your position is a ridiculous one, and fully understood. 

When you pray, don't bore your auditory with a fifteen-minute harangue, praying all over the world and back again, but after this manner, pray ye, (viz) imitating the example of Christ, be brief, the thoughts of your hearers are drawn from the skies to strained backs, and aching knees.

Make short prayers, quit when you are done and be not as the hypocrites are, do not as the heathens do, for ye shall not be heard for your much speaking.

When you would be thought a good temperance man, or woman, don't stand aloof from all temperance organizations crouch to the whiskey influence, and court the smiles of all engaged in the nefarious traffic, for so does the would-be codfish aristocracy.

When you do alms, do not get up an oyster supper and spend fifty dollars in gormandizing to raise as much more for the poor and then have the proceeds and distribution published in all the churches, but let your alms be in secret, then shall you have praise of God.

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